Juneau-It

Corrupt Bastards On the Run In Alaska

Juneau, AK, 4/27/06 (Juneau-It Too): The Corrupt Bastards Club of Alaska is on the defensive following FBI raids and ongoing investigations. The club is composed of members of the Alaska state legislature who take pride in and advertise their blatant corruption. . Nationally, the Corrupt Bastards are highly secretive and hide their acivites until caught. They are said to be comprised solely of high-ranked elective and appointed officials of the Bush Administration, all Neocon Republicans. Members seldom become publicly known unless and until they are investigated or indicted for malfeasance & crimes.

One notable Alaskan under investigation is state Senate President Ben Stevens, son of US Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens refused to speak to reporters except to say, 'Lookit. All's I'm gonna say is everything I know I learned at my daddy's knee, and if he was wrong I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can. For Christ's sakes, I took in less than $250,000 in bribes last year, and Alaska is a 'Red State' by God!"

The Alaska Corrupt Bastard Club has at least one Democratic member, state Senator Donnie Olson of Nome. Olson is widely suspected of being a 'DINO', or 'Democrat In Name Only'. Olson claimed, "I was only following the crowd. I could see those Republicans getting rich on the pork and bribes and all I want is my piece of the pie. That's what you get elected for, right?"

The offices of international oil services company VECO were also raided. VECO is known as a lavish contributor to Neocon politicians. The FBI believes VECO's 'contributions' and 'consulting fees' are only poorly camouflaged bribes and payoffs for legislative favors. VECO corporate officer Bill Allen is quoted as saying, 'So, what else is new? With this group it has always been 'pay to play'. That's how business is done in the oil industry, and always has been. Just look at Dick Cheney for example."

The FBI seized computers, files and baseball caps from the raided offices. Hats were emblazoned with the words 'Corrupt Bastard'. "That's what this world is coming to, at least in this country." commented FBI special agent I. M. Eyerate. "When you have elected people going around bragging about being 'corrupt' and 'bastards', it's past time to clean house."

"We're gonna put the squeeze on these boys real good."
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

posted by Gnarly Erik @ 4:57 PM